Thursday, November 13, 2008

Thank You

I have been absolutely dreading doing this post, but I know eventually I would have to write something to explain what is going on in our lives. A week ago today Brandon and I found out that we lost our sweet little angel, Aidan. I went in for a doctor's visit and they found that his little heart had stopped. They do not know why and it is actually quite rare for him being 23 weeks along, but I have to realize that God has a higher plan that we don't understand.

Since then it feels like my heart has stopped. I feel like it is broken in a million pieces and I can't put it back together. It is amazing the love a mother can have for an unborn child. The love I feel for Aidan is stronger than anything I can explain through words. He truly is our little angel.

At this time I am so thankful for the gospel in our lives. The power of prayer has been absolutely amazing. Although the pain has yet to go away, the peace Brandon and I have felt is a peace that only comes from God. We know that we are getting through every hour of this trial only because of all the prayers that have been said in our behalf and we want to thank you for them.

On Saturday we went in for the induction. I was so so afraid for this part. I was afraid to see my baby and have to let him go. I would almost panic every time I thought of doing so. This experience was the exact opposite of what I thought it would be. I have never been so calm and at peace in my life.This feeling of peace is absolutely indescribable. Right now I am at a loss of words trying to explain how Brandon and I felt. The Lord was truly at our side and we feel like our little angel was there comforting us as well. He was absolutely the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have already shared this poem with a lot of you but for the rest of you that haven't read it I want to share it. A friend shared this with me who has gone through this same experience and it touched me and has comforted me.

Mommy I'm Here

Mommy I know this day wasn't what you had planned,
But I'm right here beside you, holding your hand.
My spirit has already gone, there's so much work to do,
But our Father let me come today so i could comfort you.
I know you and Daddy love me, and it's hard to see me go,
But that is why we're sent to earth, so we can learn and grow.
I wish I could stay with you here and play with my brother too,
But for now I'll have to wait until your missions are though.
I'll be near when you need me to wipe away your tears,
to hold you tight and kiss your cheeks and chase away your fears.
And on the day our Father calls you to come home
I'll be right there to get you, you'll never be alone.

-Deanne Taylor

I truly felt like we were not alone through this experience and I know that our little Aidan has a higher purpose with our Heavenly Father. Although at times I feel bitter and angry I pray everyday for an understanding and peace.

So this is what has happened this last week. We go in next Thursday to try to get some answers and test results. The physicians ordered a lot of labs on me and on Aidan. They did an autopsy on him as well as some chromosomal studies. They are also studying the placenta which I guess the lady that does this is one of the best in the world. I'm not so worried as to what happened to Aidan as I am about preventing it from happening again. I know that he has a higher purpose at this time.

I just want to thank everyone again for the never ending love, support, and prayers. We have truly been blessed with the best family and friends anyone could ask for. I am thankful for a health-care team that has been absolutely phenomenal. I had nurses that truly comforted me beyond anything that is imaginable. I can only aspire to be a nurse like them. My eyes have been opened to the suffering that many families face and trials that are beyond anything that I have faced. I can only be grateful for the lessons I have learned and pray for those who have it much harder. Thank you again for the love and support.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


So Brandon will be studying all night so I thought this would be a good night to write about our last month, crazy! People know I was sick but not so many know details so I thought I'd share. So 4 weeks ago Tuesday I woke up having excruciating pain in my upper abd and my back. I was also vomiting and couldn't eat. So that night I gave in and went to the ER, STUPID. I was there 7 hours by myself in a crazy busy hospital. People were laying everywhere, there were more people in the halls than in the rooms. I was crying practically the last 2 hours. You know it's bad when other patients are checking on you. Anyways they sent me home with pain pills. Slowly I started getting better, then on Sunday morning I crashed. I didn't sleep all night. I woke up bawling, couldn't stop pacing and even having a drink of water made me throw up. At that point Brandon was nervous and wouldn't leave me to go to church. I tried to sleep for 2 hours after taking 2 heavy narcotics but the pain wouldn't stop. Finally we went to L&D. And the fun begins. After 4 hours they decide to admit me. My labs were normal but the pain was not and my blood pressure was through the roof. Because I was pregnant there was no way they'd let me go home. So little did I know I would be in the hospital the next 7 days. They transfered me from the High Risk Antepartum floor to the recovery room in L&D. Several times my BP got so high they'd rush me to Labor and Delivery where i could have 1 on 1 care. That made me nervous because being a nurse I know when they do stuff like that they aren't messing around and are nervous. Well luckily the first 5 out of7 days I was very sedated with heavy narcartics. They were probably running anywhere between 10-15 labs a day, doing CAT scans, x-rays, sonograms of my abd, and an upper endoscopy which was absolutely miserable. Other than that I'd sleep, wake up vomit all the acid in my stomach, rip out all the tubes in my arms and waddle to the bathroom. That's all i did everyday, oh and count the minutes until I could have pain meds again.

I saw probably 20 physicians a day. My OB told me that probably every team of physicians in this hospital was on my case. I saw the OBs. the medical docs, the GI docs and the surgeons. One intern told me I had the best surgeon in this hospital stumped. Gosh that was reassuring. Okay we're almost done. Day 5 i woke up and by abd was huge. I looked 10 months pregnant and you could not see my belly button. I was so swollen. I hadn't eaten for 6 days and had gained 15 lbs. They did an xray which was pretty inconclusive. The surgeon said he and the radiologist looked at it for an hour. There was an obstruction and my bowels were stretched pretty thin. They didn't know what the obstruction was due to though. After that they did 3 enemas. Not to be gross but it was the most miserble, painful thing i have ever done. Fortunately after this I slowly got better. They discharged me on Sunday and at this point my mother had arrived which was the best thing that could have happened to me. I returned to L&D 2 days later due to more excruciating pain. I remember sitting on the bed on the phone with my dad bawling saying, "I can't handle this pain 1 more day." He assured me I wouldn't receive more than I could handle. It was amazing because the next day the pain was gone. I felt wonderful physically but then crashed emotionally. Poor Brandon and my mom. I found out that I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. It's pretty much an allergy to gluten, the protein in wheat, rye, barley, and oats. It has been an adjustment. I got home and truly there was nothing in my house I could eat, and I hadn't eaten for 7 days. I was starving. My mom came to the rescue and dragged me around NY finding foods I could eat. It has been hard but people go through so much worse and I'm glad this is something I can treat. It will be a learning process. Plus it is unknown to me how, but somehow this baby of ours survived this nightmare. He is definitely a survivor and meant for our family. I just want to thank friends and family for the flowers, cards, phone calls, prayers, and fasting. It truly saved us. I cried after every message I listened to on my phone. I was seriously so touched by how many people care. So anyways that was our October. Brandon is still struggling to catch up in school, but we've been blessed so far, I know he'll be okay.